Blackwater Unit Joins Army Football Team

West Point, N.Y. – In a move to shore up protection for the Black Knights ailing backfield, the coaching staff at the esteemed West Point Military Academy took a page from the presidents’ playbook and contracted Blackwater USA mercenaries to play offensive line.

“Our quarterbacks have been getting beaten up pretty bad lately and we were down to our third-stringer. So we decided to shake things up! We redeployed our current O-line — they’re now working in the mess hall — and replaced them with these Blackwater boys. These fellas are really great! Very coachable, disciplined and have that killer instinct we love,” said the Army head coach.

“It was hard at first to convince them that a karate chop to the throat and a roundhouse kick to the back of the neck of an opposing player are considered penalties, but we worked out the kinks.”

Luckily for West Point, the new offensive linemen have full college eligibility and do not violate any NCAA student athlete regulations because they are not getting paid. Blackwater USA did not seek compensation for their work. In a related story, Secretary of Defense Robert M. Gates just approved another 5-year (no-compete), $1 billion contract for Blackwater services.

While the unit’s on-field play has been successful, there have been few reports of some small off-field, post-game altercations involving drinking, machine gun fire, kidnapping and throat slitting. “Boys will be boys!” said the coach. “You gotta let off a little steam”

Asked how the other players feel about their new teammates, the coach continued.

“They love ‘em! Here at the academy we teach real-world situations and our boys appreciate that. In today’s military, US troops and highly-paid soldiers of fortune with absolute no accountability now work hand-in-hand protecting our county. Having this model on the football field feels very natural…very modern, wouldn’t you say?”

While most teammates refused to talk, a defensive player who wished to remain nameless said, “Um, has anyone noticed they have Special Forces survival knives concealed in their socks when they take the field? Just thought I’d mention that.”

Jeff Lyons
Sports Reporter

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Tags: Army • Blackwater • College Football • football