Drinking on $11 a Night: Chicago

I used to think people that grew up during the Depression were the cheapest in the world. Then I met some Eastern Europeans (and married one). The Nazis and/or Soviets did a number on the peeps, and they in turn passed it on to their kids. These folks can live on pennies a day, even if that means scrunching 11 eastern Europeans into one house. They’ve made filching free food an art. My wife’s grandmother cleaned office buildings in the Loop for years. When she died, her family found 2 years worth of stolen toilet paper hidden in her attic. The amusing part isn’t that it was stolen; it’s that it was hidden, in case the Nazis came back.

“We need your passports und you’re toilet paper, Fraulein…”

If you’re ever in a restaurant and all the little jelly packets are gone, you know that Polish people have been there. If you’re ever at a buffet and you see people filling grocery bags with fried chicken, they are likely to be Lithuanian. Ever see two well dressed women in their 70s enjoying a feeding frenzy of samples at the grocery store? That ain’t English they’re speaking. These people will pinch a penny until Abe Lincoln pukes. Ask them why they live like this and the answer will always be, “You never know…”.

My initial goal for Chicago was to drink on $11 a Night in bars with a gangster past. My brother, organized crime guru and author Pat Downey (gangstercity.org), found some great places for me to visit. But Chicago ain’t my kinda town (cheap), so I’ll need a hand in drinking on a budget. That’s where my wife’s family comes in. So here you have it, Drinking on $11 a night in Chicago bars with a gangster past with my Eastern European in-laws!

Destination: Chicago

Bankroll: $11

Whipple Street : Mother-in-law’s and father in-law’s house

(no actual gangster business in this house that my brother could find…)

Ok, read this in a Polish accent:

“Why go out and drink when you can stay here and drink for free, Baby? You save money that way.”

Kevin and his camera-shy mother-in-law

My Chicago drink fest started with my mother-in-law on Chicago’s Southside. She and I each had a shot of Żubrówka vodka, which killed the bottle. Żubrówka comes with a blade of Buffalo grass in it that I wanted to eat, but my mother in-law said, “It is not for eating”. Ironically, this is the only thing in the house she didn’t offer to feed me (NOTE: when visiting Eastern Europeans, show up hungry. They make you eat more than you want to). Stalin be damned, it’s time to see some gangster bars, spend some cash, and drink some zimne piwo!

Cost: 1 shot of Żubrówka with my mother in-law; I can drink here for free, Baby!

Also ingested: 3 pieces of Giordano’s pizza, 2 slices of pie, and one piece of homemade plum cake.

Green Mill Lounge

4802 N. Broadway

The Green Mill is 100 years old this year. It’s had the same name as long as anyone can remember and thankfully, hasn’t been renovated in the same amount of time. It has an L-shaped bar that swings out at the bend. There is a stage in the back for jazz bands and a smaller, really old stage behind the bar where an organist plays every Friday and Sunday. This stage is bizarre and worth checking out. There is a shrine dedicated to AL Capone on the organ, which includes a fake autographed picture.

The Green Mill is rumored to be the oldest continuously run jazz gig in the country. When there isn’t a band or organist performing, the vintage Galaxy 200 jukebox plays the Andrews Sisters and Polka 45s. Along the wall are lush booths with green leather seats and green velvet backs. Even the light sconces haven’t been changed since flappers flapped here.

Gangster History

Jack McGurn., a Capone torpedo (read hitman) had a 25% stake in the Green Mill. When their headliner, Joe E. Lewis, decided to leave the club, McGurn got cranky. “The place is a morgue without you”, McGurn told Lewis, hoping he’d come back. Lewis had moved on to the new Rendezvous Café.

Eight days after he opened at the Rendezvous, McGurn had Lewis’ throat, face and tongue carved up. Lewis lived and spent months in the hospital. Most historians believe this happened in 1927, however the Green Mill has an old poster announcing the Green Mills Follies starring Joe Lewis and Verne Buck dated Sept. 11, 1930.

Underneath the Green Mill are tunnels that run three store-fronts down to the Shake Rattle and Read Bookstore. Here bootleggers hid, stored booze, and gambled (there is still a men’s room down there).

I had a Pabst Blue ribbon (breakfast of champions!) My Lithuanian in-laws each went with a beer as well, cause it’s cheap at the Green Mill. My Polish wife threw caution to the wind and spent an impressive $6 on a whiskey sour. You could almost hear the Lithuanian contingent say, “Oooohh…”.

I don’t recall if my wife asked for her cocktail to be served on the rocks AND surly but that’s how she got it. I think the staff and beer had a contest to see who could be colder (the staff won!) I emailed and/or called the Green Mill 3 times to ask if I could see the tunnels underneath and got no response. Such effrontery to a journalistic personage such as myself is, at best, par for the course.

I really like the Green Mill, its history and the jazz. But the night is young and there is heavy Chicago traffic to enjoy. The Green Mill charges $10 for live jazz music. I’m not sure how much it costs to hear the organist but next time I’m going to his Sunday 11 pm show.

Cost: PBR- $3

Remaining bankroll- $8

Also note: I got carded- SCORE!

The Red Lion Pub

2446 N. Lincoln Ave.

The “Red Lion Pub” was the most popular name for bars in the UK during the 1600 and 1700s. This place borrows its sign from the Red Lion in Highgate, England (I assume England. I guess it could be elsewhere in the UK, but I’m an arrogant American with no concern for other nations and I’m not looking into it). The Red Lion is light, airy, and seems to have every type of scotch known to humans. Sadly, none of them fit into my budget. I opted for another PBR, ($2.75) but my wife is breaking the bank of Poland tonight and insists I have one of my faves, Old Speckled Hen. You can sit on the back patio if you want to be outdoors. There is a dining room upstairs rumored to be haunted. My wife informed our waitress that I write a column, considered by many to be a cynosure for drunks across the globe, and letting us see the room would surely bring floods of visitors, each with $11 in their pocket. Wifey’s request was declined but we were told if we came back tomorrow we might be able to hobnob with their ghost, purported to be a retarded 11 year girl (like most of my readers).

Fortunately, the table we wanted most is open. It allows us a view of the Biograph Theater across the street.

Gangster History

On July 22, 1934, the FBI finally caught up with John Dillinger outside the Biograph Theater, where John and two women had just watched Manhattan Melodrama, starring Clark Gable. Dillinger left the theater and was shot running away from FBI agent Melvin Purvis, who tried to take him alive. Some people believe that it wasn’t Dillinger who died that night, but a patsy. My brother, gangster guru and author Pat Downey (gangstercity.org), assures me that Dillinger, like Elvis, and my dream of owning a home, is dead.

Cost: Old Speckled Hen $4.75 (Wifey bought the round, and the other Eastern Europeans were manic!)

Remaining bankroll- $3.25

Gold Star

1755 W Division St.

Wifey’s brother Matthew decided to join us at our last stop. He got there first, called us and said, “It looks a little rough, I’ll wait for you guys to go in”. I thought we’d finally hit dive-dirt. Not really. I mean, sorta, but not really.

The Gold Star has a groovy old sign on the front of the building but it doesn’t look like it’s worked since Ike beat Adlai for the White House.

I was expecting a bar full of thugz, yo, but what I found was a bar full of peaceful, hipster types with more tattoos than the 7th Fleet.

The Gold Star is a long room with a bar, an old mirror behind it, and a high, tin ceiling. Near the back is a door that leads to the former “hotel”. It has 6 neon beer signs but only 2 appeared to work. I used to live above a place just like this in Brooklyn- trendies at night and older, regular joes during the day. We sat on cheap, green lawn chairs at a 50s-era kitchen table. We didn’t need to play the jukebox because the hipster-chick next to us was belting out an annoyingly loud version of Donna Summer’s “On the Radio”.

I had a Pabst Blue Ribbon for $2, leaving me $1.25 left over. This has never happened! I’m not sure what to do with the surplus cash.

Moments before we were to leave, a man came in selling tamales out of a small cooler (see photo). Six for $5- SCORE! A tasty snack that consumed the rest of my bankroll. Eastern Europeans devour cheap food the way most people savor a bottle of beer on a hot summer day- quickly before someone else takes it.

Gangster History

The Gold Star Bar was a speakeasy during prohibition, and the rest of the building was a hotel, (read-bordello) full of teen-aged Polish girls who apparently weren’t as Catholic as my wife and her sister (snicker).

My brother, organized crime guru and author Pat Downey, told me that this bar-bordello was most likely run by the west-side O’Donnells (not to be confused with the Southside O’Donnells), and perhaps the Circus Gang before that. Various turf wars may have caused this area, now known as Ukrainian Village, to change hands several times.

River Forest, IL Keystone St.

After the tamales, we headed here to the home of my sister-in-law and her family. The most notorious crime committed here was 5 Eastern Europeans ending the night by enjoying free beer and more food:

“Why go out, when you can eat and drink here for free, Baby?”

Though no actual crime was perpetrated at this address (we won’t count the sin of gluttony), their house is 3 blocks from the former home of Chicago mob boss Tony Accardo. Accardo’s gangland resume goes back to Al Capone, who gave him the moniker “Joe battters” because of Accardo’s handy work with a Louisville slugger. Accardo ran the Chicago outfit for years from this house. It was once broken into by thieves. Accardo ordered the killing of numerous thieves, whether they were involved or not. One of every nationality, to send a message about what happens when people break into his house. He is the only mob boss in U.S. history to spend only one night in jail.

RECAP!

1. Mother-in-law’s house: 1 shot of Żubrówka - FREE (I drank here for free, Baby!)
2. Green Mill Lounge: 1 PBR $3
3. Red Lion Pub: 1 Old Speckled Hen $4
4. Gold Star: 1 PBR $2
5. 1 of 6 tamales; I kicked in $1.25
6. Sister-in-law’s house: numerous PBRs- I drink here for free, too, BABY!

Remember kids, crime doesn’t pay, but being married into a family of Eastern Europeans can, mostly when you need advice on where to score a free doughnut.

Kevin Downey Jr. has a Funk and Wagnalls-like knowledge of dive bars across the U.S and Krakow, Poland. You can learn more about him at www.kevindowneyjr.com or www.myspace.com/kevindowneyjrsucks