Interview: Bennett Madison

Bennett Madison is the author of the indispensable I Hate Valentine’s Day as well as the novels Lulu Dark Can See Through Walls and Lulu Dark and the Summer of the Fox. I spoke to him about his first book in 2005.

This year I definitely count the Valentine’s Day card I get from my mom as my primary valentine. Is that okay?

I think that’s totally okay. In fact, I think your mother is the only person on Earth who is really required to get you a card. Do you really want your boyfriend to be expressing himself through the words of Shoebox Greetings? No. Secret admirer cards are also okay, but they don’t count as the primary card.

Your book addresses itself to both single and coupled folk. If I had written this book, I would have included a lot more hate speech toward couples, all of whom I hate right now, openly. Where’s the hate, Bennett?

You see, no couples will want to buy the book if it just hates on them! And couples are clearly a more influential demographic. After all, a couple comprises two people, whereas a single is just that! When you sell to couples, you earn double the money.

What? Even I know that doesn’t add up.

This is how the publishing industry thinks. They are so smart!

The overarching lesson I took away from I Hate Valentine’s Day is that it’s best to have a number of contingency plans for the day, because you never know where you’ll be relationshipwise and moodwise and otherwise.

I’m glad to hear there was an overarching lesson. To me the overarching lesson was that if I didn’t finish the f**king book, the publisher was going to sue me (not joking!).

I got so excited when I read your V-Day suggestion about going to a petting zoo, with or without a kid in tow. What’s your favorite animals at the petting zoo? Mine’s the funny chickens. I love how petting zoos are interactive.

My dirty secret about petting zoos is that I’ve never even been to one. I do like the idea of them, though. As for my favorite animal, do they have llamas at the petting zoo? They sometimes do, right?

In Section 3 of your chapter “Emergency Dating” (People to Avoid No Matter How Desperate You Get) you include as a no-no “Your cousin (much as you might wish otherwise, you are not a character on The Sopranos.)” Who are your favorite two characters on The Sopranos?

Oh, this is a gimme. Is it too easy to say ADRIANA? Even if that is too easy, I don’t care — to say anything else would be disloyal. Poor Ade… The main reason I love her is because she smokes in bed, but I also like her fashion sense. Second favorite is Janice Soprano, because I think the actress is really good at cursing. She makes it sound so shocking!

Your chapter “Wallowing When All Else Fails” kind of offended me, because what you describe as the “VIP-only pity party for one” is identical to my nightly after-work routine.

That is for sure my favorite chapter. I wish I could have made the whole book like that…

So, tell us, Bennett Madison, what are you doing for Valentine’s Day this year?

No plans.

That’s cool.