PROVIDING COMPLETELY WORTHLESS NEWS AND NONSENSE SINCE 1999
TODAY IS:
Nagging Questions for... Bil Dwyer by Zank
PROFESSION: Stand Up Comic, Game Show Host, Bit Part Actor, Fake-Me-Out Sports Announcer
WHERE YOU'VE SEEN HIM: "VH1's I Love The 70s," "Battlebots," PAX Game show "Dirty Rotten Cheaters," "Ally McBeal," "The Larry Sanders Show" and "Comedy Central Presents: Bil Dwyer" FIND OUT MORE: Check out Bil at www.bildwyer.com.
Editor's note: I'm sitting at desk here in Usedwigs Corporate HQ, and I come to the realization that Zank has not been around for a while and no one seems to know (care) where he has gone. I did find a key for a bus station locker on his desk. So I head down to the bus station, open locker #666 and pull out an interview with Bil Dwyer, a Cosmo quiz entitled "What's your kissing style," a Survivalist Quiz
from Soldier of Fortune and this note:
"Dear Mr. Jeff, I am sorry I left without saying good-bye, but it seems the court system would like me to take an immediate vacation. Please accept this interview with funny man, Bil Dwyer to tide my readers over until I return. Feel free to visit me and bring some of those little bottles of airline booze that I keep hidden in my desk. See you soonish, Zank"
Zank: Which activities most put you in the mood for lovemaking?
Bil: Killing a bear
Zank: If you are forced to spend the night out, what is the first thing you should do?
Bil: Make sure you get up early enough to run home and rip your urine-soaked bed sheet off the front porch.
Zank: What is your favorite public display of affection?
Bil: I like it when old, withered long-tongued seniors lick each other's bare shoulders.
Zank: If you break through the ice and get wet up to your hips, what should you do next?
"Make sure you get up early enough to run home and rip your urine-soaked bed sheet off the front porch."
Bil:Sing a song of sixpence
Zank: What's your favorite type of kiss?
Bil: Who doesn't love a good ass-kissing?
Zank: In extremely cold weather, how often should you stop and assess whether you need to put on more clothing?
Bil:Every time a finger falls off is a good gauge.
Zank: After an especially long kiss, you usually?
Bil: Look around for paparazzi.
Zank: What is the best food to eat to keep your self warm?
Bil: Hoop snake. Just tracking one of those slippery eels will keep the blood pumping.
Zank: You've just eaten garlic and your lady friend is moving in for a kiss. What do you do?
Bil: Who's this "lady friend?" What do you know? Listen, how much do you want to keep your mouth shut?
Zank: If you are trapped overnight in the winter woods and find yourself nodding off, what should you do?
Bil: Find a nearby tabernacle. I hear those places are fabulous.
Zank: When you are kissing, your hands are usually where?
Bil: On my own ass.
Zank: What should you do if spot some frostbite on your buddy's cheeks?
Bil: Pull his pants up.
Zank: For you, what elements are necessary for a truly great kiss?
Bil: Someone on the other end. Or just a shower wall.
Zank: If you were trapped in the woods and had to resort to cannibalism, who would you most like to eat?
