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Photo: Rachel Kelbert
A Behind the Scenes Look at 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' with the Newly Made Over Comedian... Kevin Downey, Jr. by Zank
How did you get on the show?
Matilda, the woman I live for, sent me the application from their website. I filled it out with silly answers because I didn't think they'd call. They asked, "What's your morning ritual?" I wrote, "Shower and masturbate, not always in that order." They called the very next day. Sometimes honesty DOES pay off.
How long did it actually take for them to redo your apartment?
About 40 hours. I think... they sent me to a hotel, but I'm guessing it was about 40 hours.
How long did it take you to undo your apartment?
Sixteen minutes.
Do the guys actually do the cleaning (as shown), or do they have professionals come in (Hazmat team)?
I was in a hotel the whole time. I wasn't allowed near my apartment at all.
Are the cameras on you the whole time you are getting ready?
Yes, and when the cameras are off, the sound remains on. Even when going potty. I'd hate to be a sound man.
Is there anything the guys showed/taught you that you still use/do today?
Everything. I'm a hair and skin product fool! My friends say I'm "Flaming Straight." I look as though I'm never more than four martinis away from servicing a man. My apartment is clean and I walk taller (Jai taught me to improve my posture, but that part got cut). Let's face it, Zank, you find me "fuckable," don't you?
Is Jai really as useless as he seems?
No, that's ridiculous. Jai has the most challenging job on the show. He gets a dossier on a straight guy and has to figure out what to do with the bum. Sometimes he can teach a guy to dance, and that's always funny, but sometimes it's more about manners and basic charm, like where to take a woman. You'd flip if you knew how many straight guys in NYC don't know where to take a woman to go dancing, or which Broadway plays are worth the $75 ticket price.... God, I sound so gay right now... You'd be surprised to hear how many straight
guys aren't smart enough to open a car door for a woman, or help her on with her coat. It's appalling, and Jai's job is to teach guys not to be idiots. Honestly, I think Jai is underrated.
Was it a closed set when you did your shower scene, or was it kind like of a party?
You mean the Queer Eye shower scene, right? Just making sure...
I didn't even know the camera man shot me. No one was in there when I jumped in the shower, and I was too busy masturbating with a cheap conditioner to notice (masturbating with a cheap, low-end conditioner makes one's parts soft, even when they're not. That's a straight-guy tip).
Was this the first time five men saw you naked at once?
Sober? Yes.
The last?
For free? Definitely.
Did they find your porn stash?
Yes. They found porn I'd forgotten I had. If you want a lot of Asian porn, let me know. I can hook a brotha up.
When the camera's not on, do the guys talk to you? Or are they on their cell phones wheeling and dealing and ignoring you in the process?
Actually, I spoke with them a lot. They're great guys. Ted told me what to expect as far as notoriety after the episode aired. Thom told me how to escape from my apartment in the event of a fire. We drank a lot of champagne at the end. They're all really groovy.
What's that food guy's name again?
Emeril Lagasse.
What was that that he made you eat? It looked very. crunchy.
Are we back to Queer Eye? Sorry. The food guy is Ted Allen. And I was eating caviar on crème fraiche and toast points. Yeah I said crème fraiche, not fresh cream. See how gay I am now? Want a kiss?
I believe upon seeing your new boom-boom room, you declared "I want to Fuck this room!" Did you ever close that deal?
Yes, but not the chairs. Like Thom said, "They're expensive." The couch, however, well, it's more like a love seat now, if you get my drift.
Is Matilda for real, or did you have to hire her to play your girlfriend?
Both.
Have you made sweet, sweet love to yourself while watching yourself on TV yet?
Yes, I ALWAYS get me going.
Why do you look so tan?
George Hamilton "accidentally" keeps sitting on my face after I "accidentally" keep laying my head on his chair.
The comedian/mentor guy they choose for you said you should be yourself on stage and not play a character.. Doesn't he know that's how you are ALL the time?
SIP!
Has anyone recognized you since the show aired? What did they say?
Yeah, it's weird. Strangers hug me, tell me they feel like they know me and ask questions as though they DO know me, i.e. "Have you and Matilda discussed having kids? I hope so, it's important to discuss." "Is the Boom-Boom Room still clean? Was that mess REAL?" "Matilda sure is pretty, what keeps her around?"
Has your agent upped your gig fee, or can someone like me still afford to have you perform in my living room?
Yes, I've seen a tasty rise in my price, but I'll always perform in "Zank Arena."
How come they didn't fix your bathroom, cuz that place was gross.
I choose to believe they didn't fix it because it's PERFECT, thank you very much.
When is the big wedding date?
October 30th. I hope I'm off that night.
Is anyone from UsedWigs invited?
I thought you're a writer for Rolling Stone.
Where are you going on your honeymoon?
Poland to meet the rest of the family, then to Romania. I voted for Gettysburg but I lost.
Is anyone from UsedWigs invited?
What is "used wigs" anyway... can I collect them?
No, but I have a bunch of rusty old lunch boxes and mildewy ties in my parent's basement. You want 'em?
How much!?!?
Do you expect free stuff now every time you go in a store?
I don't expect it, but I do get it a lot. I call it the "straight-guy discount." Wanna go shopping for "product?"
