Nagging Questions for...
Flint Wainess
by Seth Sonderling

PROFESSION: Head writer, Jim Rome Is Burning (ESPN); founder, Breakupnews.com; author, It's Not Me, It's You: The Ultimate Breakup Book.

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Screenwriter Flint Wainess and New York Post wedding columnist Anna Jane Grossman were attending a wedding (what a drag) when they hatched an idea that resonates deeply with sophisticated, bitter people like me and you: An online clearing house for announcements of the sad ends of relationships. Wainess and Grossman's new book based on their website is called It's Not Me, It's You: The Ultimate Breakup Book. I interviewed Wainess in 2004, when the website debuted.

We're both Michigan natives, so I have to ask: Are you named after Flint, Michigan—hot tourist destination and hometown of Michael Moore?

I was, in fact, named after the great American city of Flint, Michigan.

What do you think of Michael Moore? Doesn't he look great?

I find Michael Moore's politics a little conservative, but I do support his choice of headwear. I don't have a very good head for hats, which is unfortunate, because I like hats, particularly top hats.

What's the No. 1 worst breakup you ever went through? Please give me the Reader's Digest version, I have adult-onset ADD.

Why would anyone breakup with me? Have you seen what I look like?

That was easy. Do you intend to make money off others' misfortune/vengeful glee with your site, and if so, how exactly? If we've ever made a cent on UsedWigs, no one ever told me about.

I don't intend to make money off the site, or off my screenplays, or anything else. I'm like a clown, just here for the children.

Do you want to talk about any of the shows for which you've screenwritten?

What are you, my mother? Seriously, are you? Will you make me grilled cheese?

Could someone, i.e. one of the unfavorably described dumpers or dumpees, sue your site for libel?

Someone could sue the site for libel, I think, but it would not be worth their while since I have no income or assets. I have a few good baseball cards and a couple Play Station games. I dare any court to try to take those away from me. They would have to pry them out of my cold, dead fingers.

Good "covering your ass," there.

People compliment my ass a lot.

Do you have any choice stories about the fallout from people hanging their exes out to dry on your blog?

Choice stories? Hmm… Well, my brother's ex-girlfriend was pretty furious about arriving at work one sunny morning only to have the New York Post laid out on her desk, announcing her breakup with my brother. She thought they had "gotten past that." They had. Which is why it was so funny. Actually, I have many juicy stories about this but I'm too drunk to tell them.

I know, so am I, because it's almost 4 PM. What would you say to convince a fence-sitter to submit his or her breakup notice to the site?

Who do I look like, Barack Obama?

A little bit. Maybe half.

I can't persuade fence-sitters of anything, not even to have dinner with me. I suppose if I could say just one thing to them, it would be: "If you don't submit to the site, then they're sad and I'm sad, but if you submit, then you're sad and I'm happy. So, there's a net gain there."

You should consider asking Jen Lopez (I call her Jen) to write a regular column for your site. I've never been able to figure out why certain famous couples got together (is it just because they're both famous?), so their breakups are equally opaque to me. How instructive for the rest of us are celebrity breakups?

Celebrities are stupid. Breakups are stupid. Ergo, celebrity breakups are really stupid. But sometimes my partner and I get lazy and have no regular people breakups to report, so celebrities must suffice. The only exception is that we will run any material related to Ashlee Simpson. She is fascinating. Did you know she used to have blonde hair and now it's dark?

I don't know who she is. Do you mean Ashford & Simpson? Their hair was naturally dark. You know, the motto for your site should be, "All the good ones are taken – but not permanently."

The motto of our site is, "It's not you, it's me." The other motto is, "Herpes isn't funny, it's hilarious."

Let's get back on message. I tell new partners when we begin the mating ritual that they are not allowed to change their minds about me and the relationship, ever, unless it's mutual. That's the right way to do it; what's the wrong way to start a relationship?

The wrong way to start a relationship is crying. The right way is drinking.

I appreciate #2 on your Break Up Wish List: "All of the Break Up duo's exes and their current flames. Not that we really would take any of you back, or anything…" Are you or your co-founder, Anna Jane, by chance—like me—a Scorpio?

I am a Scorpio.

I knew I liked you. Dumping a Scorpio is very foolish and very dangerous. They say living well is the best revenge, and revenge is a dish best served cold. For me, that means: wait six months and then break the windows out of your ex's car with a golf club.