It's All About Me!

I realize the following will never be confused for a clever piece of commentary, but I needed to vent some fumes after watching one of the most solipsistic saps ever to inhabit my precious television set. Bravo TV has foisted telegenic tantrum-thrower Jonathan Antin upon the public and now we all must suffer. This Beverly Hills celebrity hair dresser's nonstop "me me me" antics and inexplicable outbursts are mind blowing, and watching his tress-trimming toadies bow to his every whim, is as laughable as it is almost unwatchable. almost. I am still watching, powerless to turn it off, hoping some major nastiness will befall him. More on this joker below.

Strong personalities make for compelling entertainment, I don't deny this. But when these personalities forsake entertaining content for blatant self-promotion, I get a bit peeved and wonder how the public accepts it.

Trump - When he's not busy disavowing his failed casino business or building over-priced garish skyscrapers, this king of self-promotion booms and blusters his way through a lagging, hour-long TV commercial disguised as a reality show where cheeseballs with graduate degrees vie for his attention and some crap job where they get to wear a hardhat and take orders from their boss's dumb, failed-model daughter. It's baffling that people and the media still buy into this roadkill-haired hump's tired, never-ending sales pitch.

I give it another year or two before some intrepid writer or accountant will blow the whistle on his hyper-inflated empire and his Eastern-European pair of boobs will leave him for one of the Google zillionaire nerds.

Oprah - I realize millions of housewives need this gab-bag to guide them through their lives and I'm cool with that, but one (of her many) "look at me and only me" moves just bugs the hell out of me and I can't let her off the hook. She MUST be on the cover of every single issue of her dumb magazine. I'm pretty sure her readers will be able to find the mag without her wrinkle-free mug intimating, "Buy this stupid! And get a recipe for no-fat muffins hidden inside of 80 pages of ads." At least Rosie let one of her buds co-host a cover with her from time to time. Not the Big O., she makes sure the Photoshop airbrush tool gets a vigorous workout once a month.

Listen Oprah, I don't read your stupid recommended books (they've been read enough) and I won't keep my boutique open for you after hours no matter how much you bitch about it. You didn't give away cars to your audience, your advertiser did. You just took credit. You took a giant shit on the world when you pinched out that Dr. Phil abhorrence and now you're giving that annoyance Rachel Ray her own show. You must really hate me. At least you just made some chubby-chasing foodie very happy. Just keep your mitts off of sweet little Giada!

Bill O'Reilly - Easy target alert! Easy target alert! When he's not busy lying about awards he's won, he threatens callers who dare to mention his various enemies (Keith Olbermann for instance) with a "visit from Fox Security" as he hangs up on them abruptly and quickly moves on. I can understand his fear of phones, with all his sexually harassing calls to coworkers; it can bring back some bad memories. But come on Bill, take the call and fight back. You're a big tough Irishman (we get it, you're proud of your freckles) and were raised on the mean streets (in your mind that is) of some tough city (sunny suburb).

It was fun watching Letterman show some energy for once and rip you a new one on his show. I'd call you a bully, but like all the other right-wing talkers, you don't actually get off your fat ass to do anything that would threaten people who actively try to change the country for the better. Instead you just defend those who are destroying it.

Tyra Banks - Easily, the dumbest person on TV now that Tara Reid got booted from her globe-trotting alcoholic road show. I forgive her though. She's defines the "self-centered model," and because she is a model, I don't expect her to act like a normal human. There's not a lot going on behind that giant, transvestite-sized forehead of hers, so when she puts on a fat suit or poses as a stripper pointing out things everyone already knows, and somehow makes herself the one who deserves the praise, I just laugh it off.

Jonathan - Back to J-Dog! It's all about "product." You will hate, scratch that, you will despise the word "product" and every marketing dolt who bandies it about after one viewing. When discussing his product and his other amazing tonsorial-based accomplishments, he actually breaks into tears of self-satisfaction. Bravo does a pretty good job making him look like an ass, but unlike Michael Scott on "The Office," you never get that offsetting sympathy for him when he does something nice or acts genuine.

Lest I forget, and a big strike two against this moron, his sister is the mastermind behind the Pussycat Dolls. I still have no idea what they actually do, but I'm pretty sure watching Vegas strippers lip-synching some Black-Eyed Peas type song will not make for an entertaining night out.

Howard Stern - This guys wins the award for most insufferable. He kind of went away this year and that was nice, but he still pipes up enough that he is considered a major irritant. It was and will always be about Howard and no one else in his therapy-addled mind. Surrounding himself with a cast of flunkies who never dare to challenge him on any topic, Howard now just promotes strippers, porn stars, various skanks and his girlfriend on his satellite radio show. Strange, but these visuals just don't make for compelling radio. Never have.

Maybe the most insincere proponent of free speech in history (and boy did the media eat that bullshit up!), this whiny self-serving deejay has bellowed for twenty odd years that he was battling for free speech for all! While behind the scenes, he did his best to silence his detractors. He demanded that Infinity Broadcasting would not allow other deejays in its employ (notably Opie and Anthony) to mention his name or discuss him. What a pussy! Talk about a guy who can dish it out, but not take it. After years of denial, he finally fessed up to it on Sean Hannity's show. I never thought I'd give Hannity credit for anything, but he did take it to Stern and made him confess to being a complete fraud.

Stern is getting sued by his old employer CBS for a sleazy move and is trying to spin it in a pathetic manner that most people aren't buying. He can't even make a good argument on that old, softball tossin' Larry King show. It is a sad demise for a once-entertaining guy who has only one trick left in his bag, "Sex talk!" Wow... sex talk. on the radio. Um, the majority of people who want soft-core porn just fire up their web browsers and they don't have to hear a dirty old man talk over the action.

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Jeff is your new best friend. Like most best friends, he's not a good listener, but he will give you unsolicited advice and opinions freely and often. It's usually suspect and poorly presented, so proceed with caution. Unlike most best friends, he will never IM you. He's not that bothersome.