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The
Sweetest Thing
When
a commercial promoting a new movie contains a freewheeling,
fun's-a-poppin' dance scene as its focal point, then there
is an excellent chance the film will blow, and blow hard.
It doesn't matter if the ad is promoting "White Nights
II"
or "Weekend at Kelly's" (the new film starring
Jonathan Silverman and the exhumed body of Gene Kelly),
it's bad news. It says, "Hey, our film may or may not
have an original plot or an inkling of humor, but check
out our stars' finely-tuned butts and boobs! They're off
the hook, y'all!"
I make this observation because I was forced to view the
60-second commercial hawking "The Sweetest Thing" every
single time I turned on the damn TV this month. Its been
running on all networks all the time. You can't hide from
it. Watching its stars Cameron Diaz
and Christina Applegate
forcefully faking insouciance while clomping around to the
latest Gap-approved song, made me want to take up the ancient
art of hobbling in the worst way.
The minute long ad contained two different booty-shaking
scenes, three bad pratfalls, plus about eight different,
"Hey boys, you know you want to get with this"
glances from the scantily clad Diaz. Don't get me wrong,
I enjoy watching slutty girls dance (and sometimes pay for
it), but don't hit me over the head with it (that usually
costs extra).
Here's a quick plot summary. Diaz, comfortably residing
in her skank phase (drunken floozy phase coming soon!) wears
low-riding pants while chasing some lunkhead across country.
Applegate plays her sassy best friend who comes equipped
with some prominent breasts and well, that's about it.
In a role perfectly suited for her,
the
pencil-thin
Selma Blair plays
a malnutritioned 11-year-old boy the gals rescue from a
local drug lord in the film's lone, blood-splattered action
scene. Unfortunately, Diaz escapes unscathed and moonwalks
away to continue her quest. With the help of their new street
smart guide, the gals locate the lunkhead at a wedding and
more painfully painful dancing ensues — chicken, macerena,
robot, lambada, conga, river and interpretative.
In a lame attempt to cash in on the very dated and overdone
"gross out" humor fad, director Roger
Kumble delves into some very unpleasant and unfunny
business. In one disturbing scene, Diaz is tricked into
eating... and please stop reading now if you have a weak
stomach, .... a McDonald's McRib sandwich...YUKK! and then
washes it down with... a Mountain Dew! AAAHHH! Could we
please stop this unsavory silliness now? I think we've had
our fill.
So, if you really need to see some broads prancin' and dancin'
while looking for some romancin' while keeping their clothes
on, (sorry fellas, no nudity) rent "Girls Gone Mild
- Salty Lake City Spring Break." If you want to
see some topnotch rug cutting, rent the 1990 classic "House
Party" and witness the greatest dance scene
in the history of cinema. Kid 'N
Play where are you when we need you?
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The
Time Machine
Picture a big screen version of a 70s era Sid and Marty Krofft production without the fun, likable characters and the psychedelic, acid-fueled scripts. That’s pretty much what you get with this surprisingly lifeless fare.
Guy Pearce plays inventor Alexander Hartdegen who builds a time machine in the late 1800s that takes him 800,000 years into the future. There he discovers that mankind has evolved into two races, the peaceful Eloi and the man-eating Morlocks. Sounds cool enough, but alas, this short flick falls flat. Not slick enough for the coveted 18-34 year-olds, not friendly enough for kiddies.
Pearce clearly does not want to be in the movie and puts forth little energy. He’s got one thing on his mind of late… "Memento II: Still Forgetting," which will be hitting the big screen soon to baffle a whole new crop of cinematic simpletons.
The mesh-clad Samantha Mumba plays his Eloi love interest. I heard she is some sort of British/Irish pop star; sadly she did not break into song. That would have been a welcome diversion. A nice "H.R. Pufnstuf" moment where the trees and animals would sing backup and a gamboling Pearce would solo on a talking flute. Pass the pipe, bro! The fat guy from "The Full Monty" is also in the flick and does absolutely nothing. Taylor Negron had a more pivotal role in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High."
The Morlocks were a fun diversion – big, scary carnivorous animals that feed upon the poor Eloi. Cher's makeup people were brought in and did a wonderful job creating the truly frightening monsters. There was a cool chase scene where they snapped up fleeing Eloi and took them to their underground lair. Here we meet Jeremy Irons who plays albino rockstar Edgar Winters, the leader of the evil Morlocks. He only sticks around for a few minutes to explain what is going on. Sadly, he does not bring his guitar and another chance for a musical number is lost.
The film's lack of pep, extremely weak dialogue and banal characters drag down the movie and make you quickly forget the few entertaining action scenes. At least the film ends on a high note.
Pearce’s character, in an unexpected twist, does not save the Eloi and sides with the evil Morlocks. He takes on their cannibalistic tendencies and eats Miss Mumba and a few Eloi babies in one of the most graphic flesh eating scenes since Oprah’s last visit to Morton’s Steak House.
Seeing this movie was worth the trip because it brought back some fond Saturday morning memories. We all loved "Land of the Lost" and probably still fear routine expeditions, but how many of you recall the Sid and Marty Krofft masterpiece, "Bigfoot and Wild Boy?" It ruled. Or how about the Ruth Buzzi/Jim Nabors vehicle, "The Lost Saucer?" (Not to be confused with the Bob Denver/Pat McCann "Far Out Space Nuts.") Man, Buzzi’s was hot. How about "Lidsville" where that Eddie Munster kid falls into that huge top hat and… damn, I should have played some sports like the other kids.
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Run Ronnie Run
Best Movie You May Never See
"Run Ronnie Run" is in the can and ready for the rabid of fans of David Cross and Bob Odenkirk to eat it up, yum yum. There is just one giant snag. The bigwigs at New Line, who own the movie, will not release this gem and have no immediate plans to do so. Why? Only Jesus and the New Line brass know the answer.
Those lucky enough to catch the erstwhile HBO sketch comedy series "Mr. Show" were treated to the off-kilter, comedic superpowers of its two telegenic stars, Bob and David. It is simply impossible for these fellas NOT to be entertaining. If you find this statement untrue, then you are a simpleton with no frontal lobe. Please sit home and waste your guffaws on Chris Tucker, Jim Carrey and Frazier and never mingle with the general populace again.
The Movie
"Run Ronnie Run" follows the story of the class-challenged, protagonist Ronnie Dobbs, a regular on the TV show "Cops." The belligerent loudmouth, donning a Tennessee top hat and various concert tees, becomes a national hero and complete mayhem ensues. Jack Black, Dave Foley, Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Andy Richter, Jeff Goldblum, Garry Shandling and the ubiquitous Ben Stiller pop up in the movie. With this stellar cast, those unfunny hacks from "Sex in The City" could write the script and it would still be hilarious.
Another funnyman David Spade tried his hand at the "loveable white trash hero" genre in "Meet Joe Dirt," but it didn't work. Spade rarely disappoints, but his movie and his character had no edge whatsoever and the result was a very sanitized, safe and laugh-free snoozer (read:any Adam Sandler flick). Something tells me "Ronnie" will have enough outré references, whacked-out characters and preposterous situations that will make you say, "I have no idea what that means and I do feel a bit sick, but damn, it's funny as hell!"
Bob and Dave's brand of comedy is not based on the cute catch-phrase. So those looking for the next trove of Austin Powers and Seinfeld lines to bandy about the office will not get their fill from "Run Ronnie Run." This is not to say you won't be quoting the movie ad nauseam.
Like most of the great lines from "Mr. Show," you will be too embarrassed to say in the company of others and they probably wouldn't understand them anyway.
I give this movie (which I have not seen) my highest recommendation. If it comes out and sucks, I will delete all references from this site and pretend I never mentioned it.
Those of you who want to see this future classic will have to give the boys a little help. Please send an email to the execs at New Line and POLITELY ask them to release the movie ASAP:
movies@newline.com.
Or just sign this Petition.
For the latest info, check out Digital Ronnie, an excellent news and information site on all things Ronnie!
Or go to Bob and Dave's official site.
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Lord of the Rings: The The Fellowship of the Ring
In honor of the hobbits who star in this epic and look like a mini version of Def Leppard from the "High and Dry" era, I will keep this review short and sweet. Simply put, this is a truly excellent movie!
And it is not just because it reminds me of the Dungeons and Dragons games I may or may not have participated in as a youth. It is a very cool fantasy movie that will entertain the masses, not just the basement-dwelling teens armed with multi-sided dice and highly-paid Java programmers who battle doppleganger demons with hexagonal greatclubs while they sleep.
The casting is excellent. Ian McKellen (Gandalf the Grey), Viggo Mortensen (Aragorn) and Orlando Bloom (Legolas Greenleaf the Elf), are exceptional while Elijah Wood (Frodo) and Sean Astin (Samwise 'Sam' Gamgee) are good but a tad too wimpy and lovey-dovey with each other. Director Peter Jackson had the good sense to keep the slow-witted Liv Tyler (Arwen Undómiel) on screen as little a possible.
I won't ruin the story for you as most reviews and trailer do. All you need to know is this film faithfully recreates the seminal good-verus-evil tale by J.R.R. Tolkien. Any educated fantasy movie geek will find themself saying as they leave the theater "Holy Halfling! Star Wars completely ripped off this story and the characters! Obi Wan was Gandalf, Luke was Frodo, Han Solo was Aragorn, etc."
So head to the theater ASAP, hit the head before you go in (3 hour movie) and enjoy some good old fashioned orc-bashin' fun. Please allow me to end the review with a paean to this wonderful tale penned by the hobbit-haired uber-geek Dennis DeYoung of Styx…
"All hail to the Lords of the Ring, To the magic and mystery they bring, To the music in their story…To the lands of ancient glory."
 Lords Of The Ring from the "Pieces of Eight" album, 1979.
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Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Okay, I guess I better just fess up to this because I'm pretty sure I was spotted in the theater (my English school boy disguise was fooling no one). I saw the Harry Potter movie on the opening weekend. I bought tickets from two menacing nine-year-old scalpers in wizard hats. $50 bucks for 2 tickets. Was that too much? Maybe.
Let me preface this review by stating I am not a Potter fan nor did I read the books. I only read the works of Soviet dissidents, German fashion mags, and the occasional Narnia book. No time for Potter.
But with all of the horrendous stuff happening in the world (bombs, pestilence, J Lo's TV special), I really needed to get away from it all and enter fantasyland. Since I finished my stash of my high-potency back-pain pills, viewing the bespectacled wizard on the big screen was my only refuge.
Simply put, the film was pretty good. Not great. Pretty good.
Good Stuff
The little girl who played Hermione (Emma Watson) was very cute, engaging and easily upstaged the other kid actors. She will be the breakout star from this series. Hagrid (Robbie Coltrane) the giant really looked like a giant when he was in a scene with other humans. This was cool! They didn't settle for some fat-ass, 6-foot-8 pro wrestler in 12-ich Kiss boots, instead they put out some big coin for quality CGI work. It paid off.
The sets and visuals in general were above par. A notch above "Willow." The producers cast all high-quality British actors, nary one Gwyneth or Costner spewing forth ersatz cockney claptrap. This was good. I think Dudley Moore and Mr. Belvedere were the only Brits who didn't get a role. Most importantly, the film contained lots of nice Dungeons and Dragons references for you orcs and elves out there who once partook in the extremely cool and chick-friendly fantasy game.
Weak Stuff
The plot was a tad thin and a predictable, but easy enough for an eight-year-old to grasp and enjoy. No cool twists. Warning, you will be very sick of Harry Potter's (Daniel Radcliffe) face. There were way too many close-ups of his pale little mug looking awe-struck and gleeful. The leading lad was a little stiff and anemic in many scenes, but he was no Jake Lloyd.
The film sorely lacked sly humor. It had a couple broad jokes and cute quips, but nothing clever. The game Quidditch was stupid. The only broom-based game I enjoy is the action-packed ice sport of curling. The most glaring problem with the film was the length. A good editor could have easily chopped about 20 minutes off of the 2 1/2-hour epic. A talking hat scene went on way too long and a cameo from "The Real World" cast (New York 2001) was not needed.
The Lowdown
Go see it. It was mindless entertainment that did not offend and will allow you talk to both youngsters and old geeks about the hottest thing since "The Wiggles."
Bonus! Pay to see the movie and a big chunk of the profits will go directly to J. K. Rowling, the author of the books. She is currently the second richest dame in the UK. With another couple hundred million quid in her coffers, Rowling will dethrone that old, useless battle-ax Queen and become the most powerful person in the country.
And maybe just maybe, she will do something worthwhile and rid Albion of the royals and turn Buckingham Palace into Hogwarts Mystical Amusement Land. Start queuing up now muggles and wizards alike.
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